Last Thursday afternoon in St. Louis, Dixie Gillaspie and I having been seated for lunch, the waiter made his initial approach to our table with a bit of an…attitude. He was coldly polite and acted as if he’d rather not be there at all. In fact, he literally looked “pained” to even be there.
And, indeed, he literally was, as indicated by his pronounced limp as he walked away. So, when he came back, Dixie acknowledged his obvious discomfort and asked what happened. He explained that he’d been hit by a car and was in fact in extremely significant pain. We didn’t ask him why he was there at work or in any other way pry; we just let him know how badly we felt for him and that we’d try not to bother him too much with needless trips back and forth.
You wouldn’t believe (or, maybe you would) how polite, solicitous and friendly he then became. In fact, he made so many trips over to check up on us we had to try and keep from getting his attention.
Makes sense, doesn’t it? By Dixie simply verbalizing her concern and showing him she cared, that not only was she not offended by his attitude but, instead valued him enough as a human being to focus on his situation, he went over and above in trying to please us.
No, we didn’t do it for that reason (i.e., to manipulate him into working harder for us); it was simply the result of such.
As human beings, we have a need to know people care about us. And, when people show us they do, even – perhaps, especially – with no tangible reason to, we will go out of our way to make them happy.
It’s just another of those Laws of Life.
When has someone done that for you? And, did you feel yourself change in your thoughts and feelings toward and about them? Have you/do you do that for others? What are the results you’ve noticed/ Please share your experiences with us.
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Hi Bob!
Your post and final question reminded me of an incident last week. My husband had just had surgery, and my car had “died” in the parking lot. Knowing I would need help at the end of my visit, I approached a female security guard to see if she could help me. Without listening to my story, she immediately thought I was going to leave my car there overnight, and began telling me that she wouldn’t be responsible if anything was stolen. When I finally was able to speak, I calmly and nicely asked for her help later in the day. She grudgingly agreed to help at 9pm when her duties were complete. Needless to say, I was hesitant to seek her out at 9pm, but was desparate! Well, again, she started out impatient and bothered. But the more we talked and the nicer I was, the more helpful she was. When she couldn’t jump start my car, she called another employee to help. Before the night was over, I had made 2 new friends, and learned that angels come in all sizes, colors, and attitudes! The next day she even made a point to visit my husband’s room to check in with us! I definitely felt blessed!!!
Great reminder Bob! Everybody has a story!
It’s easy to just grumble about it, or stomp out and mutter…Taking a moment to ask isn’t HARD, we just often don’t think to (or do we just assume…)
I was in a gas station recently and the clerk seemed well, “sour”. I thought “great, a grump!” But then I asked “having a bad day?” He looked surprised and with barely understandable English said “no, having fantastic day. You?” I was surprised. It was a lesson for me. Whether it was a “cultural thing or a personality difference” I don’t know, but clearly I had interpreted his behavior all wrong.
Funny how much just taking the time to ask not only serves others, but helps us to grow too:)
Hi Bob, Isn’t it amazing how human nature works? I have had some examples like this that when you acknowledge someone’s situation, how relaxed everything becomes and things seem to flow almost like magic. Personally, I think that people need to be acknowledged at the core of their being of who they are in every interaction. It’s like a law, people just need to be acknowledged. If someone is in duress or pain like the waiter, that is everything to them in their universe. By doing this, you are validating a person and acknowledging them on levels that we may not even be aware of. Now, having said that, I have to tell you, I personally find it difficult to do because I’m so bloody English. I was born in England and was brought up as a child to have the “stiff upper lip” and there were also the effects on my parents of post WWII kind of “mustn’t grumble” (even if one of your body parts has just been blown off). I know this sounds extreme, but that was the attitude. It pains me for example to see people exhibit “attention seeking” behavior. I get really embarrassed for them…Don’t they know how to behave?!? Lol And therefore it is a real stretch for me to do what Dixie did in the restaurant. But each time I swallow my ego and do something like that, I am amazed at the reaction and change in the atmosphere. I’m stretching and learning every day how to overcome this conditioning. Thanks for sharing this experience. It demonstrates so well how we truly need to fundamentally acknowledge one another. All my very best Bob.
These are all such terrific examples. I appreciate your all sharing. Thank you!! When it comes right down to it…we just never know, do we, in terms of why someone is acting or being the way they are. And, sometimes, as Heather pointed out, we can’t tell even when we’re looking right at them, never mind being able to read their mind. Perhaps it comes down to, not only giving someone the benefit of the doubt, but communicating it, as well. The people who do that the most are often the most successful in dealing/working with others.
bob. while we’re on the subject of waiters/waitresses, I recommend that everyone always ask their server their name (if they don’t have a name tag) and then address them by name instead of ‘miss’ or ‘sir’…and when the service is good or great be sure to say so…maybe within earshot of other customers…
Hi Bob and great comments everyone! I forgot to mention as well – When I’m teaching the customer service contact skills class here at FedEx and we speak on the subject of “acknowledging” the customer, one of the avenues is about clearing the emotional debt by offering empathy. I won’t get into the empathy section but it is similar to your acknowledging example. If there is something wrong with anything from the customer’s perspective and they are offering cues or clues of this, it needs to be addressed. If we don’t acknowledge or address it, it will hang in the air as something left “unsaid” and will almost be a tangible mechanism that will block the flow of the call and interaction will be a bit of an up-hill battle. So whether it be a waiter in pain or a customer who is complaining about the weather, the service, the wait time or the price, it is way better if we ACKNOWLEDGE this and clear the emotional debt. Then we can really get down to business and things just go way smoother. Thanks again Bob for providing such an awesome blog with great entries like this one (that I just happen to be very passionate about) 😉
I’d just like to add that we shouldn’t only acknowledge people with an obvious need, observable pain, or who give us indirect “cues.” Many people don’t wear their pain on their sleeves, or don’t have an obvious physical pain, or don’t give us clues, yet they may be in great emotional pain. Some are just conditioned not to outwardly express their problems, and to try to handle things on their own. Sometimes a simple, sincere question that shows you care (not a canned, robotic “How are you doing today?” or an impersonal “I understand” response to a statement) can make all the difference. Most folks walking around with heavy problems appear to the rest of the world as strong individuals without a care in the world who don’t need extra acknowledgment.
Simply stated, we all just need to take more time for everyone. It’s the human — and humane — thing to do.
Bob, thank you for sharing that story. I think a chapter in that book you keep telling me to write will be “Lessons learned over calamari with Bob” 🙂 I really love how this has resonated with your readers. Something that keeps coming back to me is the conversation you and I had about purpose when we were talking about YOUR purpose statement. The purpose statement brings out our “visceral purpose” that thing that gets us fired up to start our day. But there is also that “higher purpose” that you mentioned – and for many of us (I would venture to say most human beings and some have just lost their connection to it) that higher purpose does include making others feel good about themselves. The comments here support that little theory of mine. I also think that experience is so validating of all of the Laws of The Go-Giver. We gave only a little genuine concern, he gave us attention and service even though it cost him pain. The laws in action for the benefit of everyone involved. And I’ll bet his improved outlook extended to the other diners he served as well! My status today for today will be “Loving kindness is catching… pass it on.”
This is definitely something you can take with you (every day).
Bob, you have such insight on human nature and how true compassion and a spirit of community can cause change… This recent post is just a VERY small example.
Thank you!
Andrew B. Clark
The Brand Chef
Bob, what a fabulous story with a simple but profound message. We all just want to know that we matter and that people care about us. If we just practiced the “Golden Rule” more this world would indeed be a different place. It doesn’t take any more effort to be kind than it does to be rude or indifferent but the outcome will be worlds apart.
What a great reminder to all of us that we never know what is going on inside someones heart. We are often so quick to judge because of what we “see” on the outside. Everyone has a story. How beautiful it would be if we would open up our own hearts more frequently and contribute a positive chapter to someone else’s story. Kind of like living from the inside out instead of the other way around. Thanks for sharing!
Hi All, words cannot express how much I appreciate all of your thoughts and comments. Thank you for adding so much value to the original article!
Bob, thats very True. When we genuinely take Interest in the Other Person, everything changes. The take away is we have Full control on the Interactions we have with other Human beings, We can make the decision to make it a Pleasant experience for all of us Involved. Great thought Bob, like always you are an expert in Human behavior.
Thank you, Suresh. Your comment on the take away is right on the mark. We have full control – at least over how *we* respond. Thank you, my friend!