In Part One we looked at a saying my Dad wrote and kept taped to the wall in his office. I remember seeing it whenever I’d go to work with him. It read:
“To have a body does not make one a man (or woman).
To have a child does not make one a parent.”
Early in his career, Dad realized that people often weren’t what they appeared to be and that you couldn’t judge (in this case, meaning, read or understand) them by outward appearances. Though, as human beings, isn’t that exactly what we so often do?
Dad says, “A couple would walk into the gym with their child, the husband handsome and looking as though the world was his; the wife attractive, intelligent and confident-looking.
“Your first impression was that this is the perfect, happy family. Then, as you got to know them, you learned the husband had serious self-doubts, the wife did not feel at all attractive and smart, and they were both very unhappy with each other.
“Unfortunately, often the child was also not happy with himself as well. Wow, it really made you realize there’s a lot more to people than just what meets the eye.”
Isn’t that so true of the people we come across on a daily basis? We assume people are what they appear to be. And they assume same about us. The fact is, people have challenges they are constantly fighting. Some are external – most are internal. When we remember that, it helps us in dealing with the negativity that person seems to have towards us for no apparent reason. It helps us to empathize with them, and understand them.
Yet, instead, we judge the proverbial book by the even more proverbial cover? It’s been said that “we as human beings make major decisions based on very limited information?” Many moons ago – when snap decisions were often needed in order to keep one from becoming that night’s main course for an approaching animal – that instinct served us well. While, at rare times, it still does, such is no longer usually the case. Rather, it typically causes us to assume and misjudge, often with very counterproductive consequences.
In the final part of the series, we’ll look at a way to overcome this very natural tendency.
Oh, can you remember when you made a snap judgment about someone that turned out to be totally incorrect and perhaps didn’t serve you well? If so, feel free to share it with a comment.
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Hi Bob,
Years ago, I met someone who would become one of the best friends I have ever had. When I first met him, I thought that he was a grouchy and bleak person, not someone I would want to know. It was a ‘mind’ judgment and it was totally incorrect. In fact, he is one of the most selfless, honest, loving ‘salt of the earth’ people I have ever known and I am grateful for his friendship and the many laughs we have shared.
I say ‘mind’ judgment because there is another side of the coin. I have sometimes met someone and made a positive ‘mind’ judgment about him or her. Meanwhile, this little voice inside was issuing warnings. On the surface, these people seemed to be the types of individuals I could really build a great relationship with. In time, they would prove to be dishonest, manipulative people who caused me considerable grief.
What I have learned in my life is that whenever I ignore the little voices inside, unfortunate things happen and I end up wishing I had paid attention! Our minds can easily lead us astray, but our hearts and spirits are faithful and true.
Your article has also brought back a memory of such a mind judgment on my part which, one that humbled me and taught me an enormous life lesson. I will write about it soon and reference back to this article when I do!
Thanks for sharing what you have learned on you journey with others Bob.
Have a great weekend!
Cheers,
Gil
Great topic and question Bob! Nice story Gil – I have one similar. A woman who years ago at work, I thought was stuffy, uncool, snobby, boring and conservative. … Well, a few years later and some mileage on my clock in the area of maturity, it turns out that she is classy, discerning, considerate, lover of live and a shining example of a go-giver. Also, she is not from Canada originally, she moved here from another country (Mediterranean) when she was 15, so she had to learn a new language at that age. She’s brilliant! We are now VERY close friends, but I was in that part of my youth where I couldn’t see her in her true light because of my snap-judgment mentality. I’m hoping to improve in that area so I’m really looking forward to your next blog article 🙂 Thanks Bob!
Oh you are so right! Sometimes we are blessed to have a second chance. I made a snap decision about a girl I worked on a baseball team with because she was so quiet, seemed to have an unhappy look on her face and all the guys just said that she was always grumpy. I worked with her all summer not making much effort to get to know her and just going about my business. After the season I invited her out to lunch to exchange pictures from our summer. It turns out that she was shy and unsure of herself, and she thought that I was really self-confident and intimidating. And I am the last thing from intimidating! We are best friends some 8 years, 2 different states and 2 apartments later because we have so much in common! I’m so glad I got a second chance because she is such a blessing in my life.
Hi Bob,
As per your DM to me, here is a link to my latest article, Humbled By An Angel.
http://www.synaptici.com/2009/humbled-by-an-angel/
Thank so much for offering to have the link here and again thanks for your kind words!
Cameron is so right about second chances. I was more than blessed to have one the very next day!
Cheers,
Gil
Hi Gil, I just read your “Humbled By An Angel Piece”, and what can I say? I was so touched, it brought me to tears. Thank you for sharing that. It was a humbling experience for me to read it. Best, Kirsty
Hi Kirsty,
Thank you for reading and for sharing your heart. I also noticed you commented at my site. Thanks!
I hope you have a great weekend .. one that is filled with laughter!
Cheers,
Gil
Hi Bob…I had an experience (not my first) this past weekend while traveling about such a situation. I had the wonderful experience of sitting in the very crowded coach area of the plane while traveling to and from Detroit. On one of the legs, a woman came and took the last seat in our (son and I) section so immediately I found myself upset that she was taking MY space. Never mind that I think there were no seats available in the entire plane. As we taxied towards our runway, I made a small comment about how long it was taking to take off and if he was going to drive to WPB. That was a small gesture in breaking the ice however we both went into our books and sleeping after the take off. Towards the last half hour of the flight, we again exchanged a brief comment however this time we went into a full discussion. It turns out that she is into personal development and leads groups in her side of town. She invited me to attend and even gave me some wonderful, positive reinforcement about my son. I felt leaving her that I had made a BFF and can’t wait to visit with her again.
What a great story, Nancy. Thank you for sharing it, and for sharing a part of yourself. Much appreciated!!