I recently tweeted a quote from Napoleon Hill that he considered one of the “14 Secrets to Success” (from his book, The Magic Ladder to Success). The quote read:
“I enter into no arguments with people over trivial matters.”
It reminded me of a situation last week when I nearly allowed myself to fall into this trap.
As one who possesses the inclination to “have to be right” as well as the need to communicate that “rightness” (believe me, I’m not bragging about that inclination. I’ve worked hard to overcome it and am most of the way there), it’s easy for me to debate a topic until I feel the person understands and accepts my view.
The key question is, “why?” Why would I – or anyone – have the need to do so when the matter is trivial? (I’d say “ego” but that’s another blog post) 😉
*Please don’t confuse this with approaching a matter that is indeed important. There is a time and place where you discuss until the point that one of you changes their mind or you simply agree to disagree.
This was not, however, one of those rare times. It was one of the 95 percent of the times when being right – and just as importantly – making the other person wrong, and making them feel wrong, would have been totally counterproductive.
How do we avoid this trap? Here are a few suggestions that have worked for me:
- Be Aware of The Problem: We must acknowledge this tendency in order to be able to correct it.
- Be Aware of The Specific Situation: Is it about to happen? Catch yourself before “jumping in.”
- Ask Yourself If Any Good Can Come Out of It: If you prove yourself right and him or her wrong, will anything change for the better in the big scheme of things? Is it necessary for you to do this?
- Ask Yourself What Might Be The Result: Will arguing over this trivial matter cause this person to like you more? Dislike You? Feel emotionally safer with you? Feel emotionally less safe with you? Will he or she feel good about you? Will he or she resent you?
Any other thoughts on this topic or suggestions for overcoming this habit? Feel free to share.
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5. Does it Matter? Will the resulting argument really make a difference that is significant? You said it yourself, is this a trivial matter? If so, move on to something productive and significant.
This is one of those things that life (and especially facing death) puts in perspective for you. As you get older you start to understand what things are based on principles and are “hills to die on” versus just protecting your ego.
-RG
Glen, thank you for sharing.
Randy, thank you. Great point. In fact, after seeing your comment it reminded me of an excellent article you wrote on your blog a while back http://www.randygage.com/blog/being-right#more-513
This is great insight Bob:)
But it`s easy to see, once you already have achieved greater self esteem, and self awareness. Until you do, there`s your ego struggling to “club people over the head” for satisfaction and recognition.
This realization sort of creeps up on you, as your self esteem develops. So, I assume you personally don`t usually fall into this trap. But lots of people do.
Posts like this one can help a lot of people still hungry for recognition….something you have already obtained….but it would take a leap of faith for them to take this advice, and actually change their habitual reaction of always trying to “prove they are right”, no matter how insignificant the issue.
Hi Bob (got it right this time…LoL)
This resonates with me because I am reminded daily of some AA wisdom(especially around ego)…”Do YOU want to be RIGHT???….or do YOU want to get along?” When I feel myself starting to go down that path, I do a “gut check” and ask that question. I come away with, “It”s NOT life or death!! ~ so, breathe deep and let it go.” I definitely want to “get along” with others…it’s just NOT all about ME 🙂
Have a JoY-FULL day, BOB !!!
deb
Bob Burg
You’re a beautiful big hearted man.
I’m wndering… if beyond right/wrong… there’s my favorite things I say to my kids “Fight With Love”
That if we’re arguing to be right and making the other wrong… there’s no love… It’s protecting the Ego, staying in a locked position.
If we’re fighting for more depth, understanding, connection, edges, deliciousness… and the grappling is juicy and fun, awakening and growing… Like Randy and Lisa… Not to be right, but to play and stretch into aspects of ourselves that we avoid, don’t like, repress, are shadowy…
Then it offers an opportunity for deeper growth, intmacy and connection.
Staying in righteous world or not saying anything about it in case we’re being Righteous… makes me wonder if a big area of grappling, cherishing, growing into new places that haven’t been ventured into before are being missed..
Reminds me of the book ‘Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff.’
It’s great that you pointed this out Bob. Many of us fall into this trap. Getting into an argument over a trivial matter is counter productive indeed, brings about negativity.
There are better ways to influence people, and maybe if we know these skills we can just ‘practice’ on those who want to argue on the small stuff haha. Like…. ask them leading questions and make them think that your idea is theirs. Then voila, you win. … =)
I always enjoy reading your posts, glad i caught your tweet. You post a lot of what other people take for granted. Thanks Bob!
p.s. and if the argument won’t make me any money, why.will.i.waste.my.time.
Great post Bob! Leslie Flowers gives a great perspective on this by saying ‘everyone is right from their own point of view’. To me recognizing that they really do ‘see it that way’ and from their own perspective they ARE right in their mind. Recognizing that in order to ‘win’ somebody else has to lose also helps. Certainly there are some things that are more important than others, the question is ‘is it worth it to be right if it means they lose?”
Lastly, there is a big difference in being right and being righteous! Sometimes it’s better to do the ‘right thing’ than to ‘be right.
Of course, having said all of that…well, I’m still ‘not there’ yet, but I’m working on it 🙂
Bob, I met a business owner who asked me if I felt the city where I live might be a good place to open another location. Just after he asked the question, he listed all the reasons why he shouldn’t. Most of his reasons where negatives and “put downs” of a city he has never visited.
He set the trap …oh so tempting 🙂
In the past, I would have reached in my toolbox and pulled out the biggest hammer, and hammered away! The most painful lesson I learned from this method …the hardest blows were usually deflected (my hammer…my thumb…ouch!)
Today, one of the most powerful tools I have is the power of questions …the questions I ask myself before I speak, followed by the questions I ask the other party.
Every once in a while someone will hit an emotional nerve and I’ll slip backwards …just not as often 🙂
Thanks for your timely reminder!
I found myself on the receiving end of a “I know I am right” situation. And when saying anymore, would have set him below me, I simply thanked him for sharing his perspective, because I felt he hadn’t heard mine. A few days later, as I prayed for him, I saw a beautiful side of him. While Joe was wrong in his assessment, I realized that he is a man with a courageous and beautiful back bone. He stepped out on a limb for what he believed and risked a relationship that has been very lucrative for him. I appreciate him more and will do more to continue to keep our relationship lucrative for him, because in his wrongness, he taught me some rightness….standing up for what I believe in.
When we voice what we believe, we can then take it to another level and access the correctness of our belief. Whereas, when we believe without voice, it may just stay there as a belief that could be false.
I’m reminded of Dale Carnegie’s How to win friends and influence people. That book is SO GOOD I try to read it once a year!
He recounts this quote from Abraham Lincoln to a young military officer about why he should not fight!
“Quarrel not at all. No man resolved to make the most of himself
can spare time for personal contention. Still less can he afford
to take all the consequences, including the vitiating of his
temper and the loss of self-control. Yield larger things to which
you can show no more than equal right; and yield lesser ones,
though clearly your own.”
I don’t sweat the small stuff,we are all human. However knowing whats trivial and what is truley crossing boundaries is important to know also. In those cases I agree being right is not going to get you anywhere but I remember a wise person tell me once when someone crosses boundaries and its just not acceptable or tolerable keep a 10 foot distance and if trust is seen slowly move closer,if not keep your distance. Any arguing is not worth it. Just learn and respect your own choices.
I agree with RG also an apology is good for self esteem,people want to feel respected and sometimes its that simple and when you do you feel respect for yourself.