In Part Three of our Three-Part series, “Ten Pathways to Positive Speech” we saw that Pathway Number Ten was to forgive. If you’ve been wronged, let it go. Often, it’s not as important to do this for the other person’s sake as it is to do it for your sake.
The ability to forgive (and yes, forget) elicits a healthier, happier and less stressful life for the those who can do this.
As a person who – for years – held bitter grudges against people who’d wronged me (both for real and others whose “sins against me” I’d built up more in my own mind), I can attest that a spirit of forgiveness and forgetness makes for a much richer and happier life. And, for very selfish reasons.
I believe it was Gandhi who said, “Holding a grudge is like swallowing poison and expecting the other person to die.” (Or, it might have been my old buddy, Tom Davis who said that; I’m not sure.) 🙂
So, I was delighted when a man I’ve had the privilege of getting to know over the past year both as a friend and a client, Joe Vizi posted the following in the comments section after Part Three:
“Just buried the hatchet with my neighbor. Six months of no talking has ended. I feel so much better!”
Joe, I’m so proud of you. And, I appreciate the private email you sent me with a fuller explanation. If you wouldn’t mind posting it in the Comments section here, that would be terrific. Only if you feel comfortable doing so, of course.
The Talmud asks, “Who is Mighty?” and answers, “The one who can control his emotions and make, of an enemy, a friend.” And, that’s exactly what Joe did.
How often has history also taught us that former enemies who become friends often become some of our closest, most loyal and life-enriching friends?
Of course, often, the act of forgiveness will not take an inter-personal form as it did with Joe and his neighbor. Much of the time you’ll simply make the decision to forgive someone who doesn’t even know they’ve been living in your mind. And, it will simply be a life-affirming pleasure to gently and emotionally remove them.
Any examples of the above you’d like to share?
Is there anyone today you can simply forgive…and yes, forget, the wrong they did to you?
Enjoy this post? Receive an update when our next post is published by entering your best email address below and clicking Get Updates.
Way to go, Joe. That’s wonderful. I wholeheartedly agree that it is more hurtful to ourselves when we hang on to grudges and ill feelings. I think the toughest component of this is understanding why we do it and then figuring out how to overcome that why. For some people it becomes a very destructive pattern in their lives.
The second tough part is when we see others hanging on to grudges and building up walls with people as a result of their emotional reactions and they won’t forgive and let go and all we can do is witness the self-destruction and set healthy boundaries for ourselves.
Great topic!
Julie Bartkus
http://www.MotivateTeachers.com
http://www.Workplacegossip.com
Bob, you are so right. Forgiveness is a choice and it is a far easier choice than choosing to hold the grudge if a person will assess the costs in each column. If we step back from the emotions of the situation and apply the least bit of self-interest, we will arrive at the same conclusion as those who are predisposed by love and grace to act with compassion. That conclusion will be to forgive and move on. In the process of doing so, it will start to come more naturally and mold us into more loving, gracious, compassionate, and even joyful people.Thanks for a great post.
This is the follow-up email I sent to Bob:
Time was starting to make the feud with my neighbor palatable; six months had passed since our fall out. It was late last winter when my three sons were playing football with the kids in our neighborhood, about a quarter mile from our house. Time has stripped my memory of exactly what I was doing but I remember that I was outside and could hear my son Aaron screaming. This was nothing new; Aaron tends to be on the dramatic side. I walked around to the front yard to see a stream of children walking up my neighbor’s driveway. The first boy, who is one of my neighbor children friend’s, was holding his jaw, I noticed that he was bleeding from his lip. One of the boys screamed that Aaron just punched the boy in the mouth. As I interrogated Aaron and the other children I concluded that the other boy was picking on Aaron and, as extreme as it was, retaliation was justified … (but later would be punished!)
The boy’s Mom came out of my neighbor’s house, accompanied by my neighbor, screaming at the first person she seen. Poor little Conor (my youngest boy) received the tongue lashing of his life from her. As I clarified to her that it was not this boy and tried to explain what had happened, my neighbor stated that I was out of line and that Aaron was not welcome in his yard, and walked away. Anger filled my head! Who was he to pass judgment over something that didn’t concern him? Boy’s get into fights! Things like this seem to work themselves out without us parents confusing things … now he had to go and cross the line and disagree with my mental point of view, WHAT NERVE! I must stand up for myself and protect the Vizi way of life! The line has been drawn!
What a fool I am!
After reading Bob’s blog the stresses of my stubbornness began to consume my thoughts. It’s strange how things seem to work out. This weekend my neighbor and I were at the county football field. Our children were weighing in prior to facing each other in what proved to be a football war. As we were standing outside I could see the joy and excitement in his face and I walked up to him, extended my hand and said “Good Luck”. As we shook hands, I asked him if he is ready to bury the hatchet between us. He said something about him being bull-headed, and I said that I was too. But what really meant the most to me was the look in his eyes and the smile on his face. I know he was excited about the upcoming game, but I would like to think that a small part of the smile was because we patched things up.
This was the start of what proved to be a great weekend! Almost instantly the stress went away!
“Forgive for your sake, if not for theirs. Those who ca n forgive live healthier, happier, and less stressful lives.” – Bob Burg
(How True my friend, how true)
Thank you, Pastor Tom and Julie, for your wise and wisdom-filled words.
Joe, thank you for the follow-up and specifics. You continue to amaze me. The only thing I would disagree with is where you chastised yourself by saying “What a fool I am.”
In my opinion, your feelings were very natural. In fact, it’s because those feelings are so natural that I admire you all the more for overcoming them and finally making amends with your neighbor. The great thing is that the next time a situation comes up that might in some way stir up similar emotions of anger, you’ll be in a much better position to “respond” instead of “react” and keep things from getting out of hand in the first place.
Keep up the great work, my friend and brother!
Hi all,
I fully agree with Bob’s wise words !
I would even go a bit further and turn the event into a growth moment for you.
As a coach, I am driven by how one can get to know him/herself even better and enable his/her personal growth. Yes, Every interaction is an opportunity as it might mirror your innerworld.
Me personally, I had a quite disappointing experience, I found. One of my prospects took disadvantage of my willingness to help him understand my way of working. Or should I formulate, I was practically teaching my wisdom to him, which brought me further from the sign on the contract, rather than closer.
So, who is the one to blame ? Is there one of us to blame ? Would it help putting blame ?
When I reflected on the situation, I saw myself overacting on one of my Core Qualities. In other words, that person served as a trigger for me to blindly pass my own boundaries.
So, my quite disappointing experience became an eye-opener to me. And now I am greatful this happened. I learned something new about myself. As of now, I can detect whenever a simular situation is popping up and consciously decide how to react in the most appropriate way.
Hope this contributes to your need/insight as well.
Thank you for bringing up this topic !