In Part One we learned from a couple of true business geniuses that – in a business venture – speed of action and being different are two keys to success. I then suggested that in interpersonal situations (though, this would certainly also hold true for business), where the person might be difficult to persuade, we add something else; friendliness.
We do this – yes – first and fast in order to be the one to set the matrix; the context and frame of the encounter. We never give it a chance to go in a malevolent direction.
I thought of this yesterday morning while attempting to leave my condo complex. Pulling out, I noticed the city had closed off both the initial and main roads for the annual Triathlon. As I approached the woman who was guarding the exit, she did not look very happy that someone was treading on “her” territory.
As I drove near her, and as soon as I sensed she could see my face, I smiled and waved. Her reflexive response was to do the same (the neighbors will tell you this is not usually the case. Of course, the neighbors set a negative matrix by displaying how unhappy they are with the situation). I asked her the best way to get to the main road without disrupting the race and she nicely guided me there.
Next, the police officer guarding his main road. I simply did the same thing. Immediately his defensive posture turned into a very helpful, “Sir, you can take a right here and just go around the cones. Have a nice day.”
Be first, be fast and, yes, be different…by being friendly. Remember, in a “persuasion situation” it’s up to us to set the matrix. After all, one will be set. Let’s not leave to chance which one it will be.
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Ahh, I understand! I never really put much thought into it….until now that is. I am completely amazed by how large my personal blinders have grown. Thank you so much for giving me this tip, it will be very useful! Enjoy your coffee and donuts 🙂
Joe
Bob- what I love is the pause you take to make a conscious decision to be friendly, recognizing that there is potential for resistance or unpleasantness and making the choice to proceed in love. Its Better to Bless- To me that’s what makes the difference. I usually makes Pancakes on Sunday with my granddaughter but maybe one day I’ll see you at Dunkin. 🙂 Have a fantastic day-
Thanks Bob for a great story. I’m not sure whose lives were blessed the most: the Guard, Police Officer, or You. This is truly an enjoyable way to live.
Your story will help each of us make a more conscious effort to infect the world with happiness. The bonus is that the more we give, the more we receive.
Hi Bob:
Great message on the topic of being friendly. If you haven’t read it yet, Robin Koval’s “The Power of Nice” further validates what you and I know to be true…Keep up the good work Bob.
Thank you, Joe, Kimberly and Wilma for your comments and for sharing your wisdom. Much appreciated!
Hi Mike, Sorry; your comment posted after I had already thanked Joe, Kimberly and Wilma. 🙂 Thank you for your comments, as well. Yes, I’ve heard great things about Robin Koval’s book. It’s available at http://www.thepowerofsmallbook.com/index.php/home/pon. {Note: in checking the link to Robin’s book I noticed it defaults to the page promoting her most recent book. There is a tab on that page that says “The Power of Nice” that can be clicked to bring you to the appropriate page.}
Hi Bob, Thanks for starting this incredible conversation. I love the term “set the Matrix”. It reminds me of the movie, “The Matrix” where Neo has to learn for himself that he can program his own reality with no limitations, and “there is no spoon”, etc.
Anyway! I am just about to read Dale Carnegie’s “How to Win Friends and Influence People” all the way through for the second time, and have started intentionally applying some his tips and recommendations, many of which parallel yours. I have really enjoyed (sometimes awestruck) at the results each time I do this. I’m just learning all this for the first time and it seems like a large part of if is dropping the ego (emotions) and letting the other person “win” (which is in fact an illusion as you are still driving the bus). By doing that, you avoid the inevitable outcome of no one winning. Even if you are right or “win”, no one will win as they will feel deflated and not want to help you or listen to you. Because it is better to listen and make the other person feel important and give them the win, that way, they will feel safe with you and then help you. In life, this is where they give you the best route out of the parking lot. In business, this is when they bring out their check book.
Hi Kirsty, you are wise indeed. Great points. Loved what you said about the Matrix. And, yes, Carnegie’s “How to Win Friends…” is the classic of positive persuasion. Absolutely brilliant. I’ve read it many times and continue to learn and re-learn each time. There are also times I’ll just pick it up and read a story or two. Always seems to be exactly what I needed to read. Keep up the great work, my friend!!
Love it Bob!