“Expecting someone to be helpful doesn’t change them, it changes you. And that is what changes them.”
–Bob Burg (Did I just quote myself?) 🙂
You’re about to go into a sales presentation with a prospect you’ve heard can be a real bear. Or, you’re about to ask the customer service representative with a sour look on her face to exchange an item you don’t like but you lost the receipt.
Perhaps you need to ask one of your vendors to rush an order for you knowing he gets panicky when asked to do that. Or…or…any one of hundreds of situations where it would sure be a lot better if the person you needed to approach would be kind, smiling and ready to be helpful.
Both for long-term and immediate results, when you want to bring out a response in a person that meets your needs, act towards that person as though that’s how you expect them to respond. Yes, approach them believing they’re going to want to give you what you desire.
Before you think I’m totally crazy (actually, I’m just a little crazy) :-), talking “hocus-pocus” or suggesting that “just by thinking about it that’s what will automatically happen” please know that’s not it. That isn’t what I’m saying. What will happen, however, is that when you predetermine someone’s attitude or action in your own mind as being positive and helpful, you yourself take on a corresponding attitude (of course, the opposite would also be true). Yes, you change, which transfers directly into him or her changing their original attitude and acting in the appropriate solution-oriented manner.
Let’s look at two opposite approaches to the following situation and see how they might work out: You are about to approach an office worker at your local city hall. His reputation is that he takes pleasure in acting the part of the bureaucrat, goes “by the book” on everything and generally make it difficult to attain satisfaction.
#1 If you were to go in with a scowl expecting to get into a “knock down-drag out”, do you agree that you would be met by a person who would be very difficult to deal with? Sure, because you are setting the Matrix (the premise from which everything else will originate) of a battle.
#2 Instead, not only do you put a genuine, sincere smile on your face, but you actually expect that person to be warm, welcoming and helpful. Do you think He’ll have a much different attitude than in the above example? I hope you said yes because it happens practically all of the time; not just to me but to most everyone who practices these methods that we discuss in these articles.**
Your question might be “Why does that happen?”
You see, the reason is that, by adjusting our attitude – by genuinely liking this person and thinking highly of them, and expecting only the best from them – we are acting in that way, as well. And, if that person is like most everyone else (and he most likely is), how can he not like someone who likes him so much and expects from him only the best?
Yes, this works. In fact, it works in amazing ways with a vast number of people. (Hey, I know this works when people do this with me, and I’m the one supposedly teaching it.) 🙂
Before doubting this, do it with sincerity several times. I guarantee you’ll walk away in amazement and it will change the way you approach the normally difficult people. More importantly, it will change the results you usually get and you’ll find this makes your actions much more productive and your life a lot less stressful!
This happens to be one of the most powerful methods of positive persuasion there is, and we need to practice it until it becomes habit. It’s a habit that will pay off for you continually throughout your life.
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** This doesn’t necessarily mean you are automatically going to get what you want (though indeed that happens quite often). It does mean that as you try and work things out together you are you are coming from a matrix – or foundation – of cooperation and not antagonism.
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Bob, I know you’re right, because when I reflect on all the occasions that I had success in similar situations, I can see why I got the results I did. I had started with the “correct” state of mind. So we’ve got to look inside to find why we get the results we get. The answer always lies within us. Great insights, as always.
Bob, I am a big proponent of attitude adjustments in order to get your desired outcomes, and have realized success in application. I’ve also not realized the desired outcome at times, despite my efforts. I would assume that is true for you as well? How do you explain or to what would you attribute that?
Bob – Great stuff! I love the fact that you quoted yourself! LOL You are and inspriation in getting me to take this kind of theory and put it into action right away. All we have is now and relating to one another in this moment, so we might as well do it right! I love your blog and I’m going to invite all my peeps to check it out today.
Hi Kristy, Thank you for your very kind words, both here and on your Facebook page earlier today (and on my facebook page). 🙂 That was very thoughtful of you.
Thank you, Al; as I mentioned on my Facebook page, knowing you as I do and as successful and nice a person as you are, it does not surprise me at all that this is how you relate to people.
Carmen, thank you, as well. I know this is the first time you’ve posted a comment. Welcome. Carmen, as well as these principles work, absolutely there are times you will not get the desired results. There are various reasons. Just a few include (but are not limited to):
1. It’s a “condition” as opposed to an “objection” on their part. In other words, they simply are not qualified to or in a position to bend the rules, make an exception or do what needs to be done. Indeed, this is rarer than one might think because there is typically a way to work things to everyone’s advantage but, sometimes this is simply the case. Or, even if there were a way, the person who has the authority to say “yes” is not around.
2. You are dealing with a person who is difficult; has an axe to grind, and is not looking to be helpful. Some people live for this. Again, let me make the point; the person this difficult is few and far between and can usually be won over very easily using the principles we are discussing. But I’m just answering your question as to how I would explain why even doing the correct things might not get you the desired result.
3. Perhaps you are saying the correct words but with an attitude that is not hiding your true feelings, or you are displaying a great attitude but the words are incorrect. Both count. Again, not saying you do this or have done this (though, I know I have) but it’s simply another possible reason.
So, again, while utilizing the principles we are talking about (which I call Winning Without Intimidation”) will *practically* always work, the key word is “practically”…not always. 🙂
Thank you again.
Bob
So True! It never ceases to amaze me how people will go into a situation “armed for bear” and then afterwards say “man, she was a ____!” People RE-act to the way WE act! Whenever there is a need at our house to call the cell phone company, or some other company and ask for something, my husband Chris always looks at me! It frustrates him that he can call and get no where, and I call and get “it” and more! It’s not hard! Treat people with respect, recognize that most customer service people RARELY talk to anyone nice, or respectful, and oh my, if you smile or laugh?!?! They don’t know how to act!!!
Excellent point, HeatherO; often, when you speak to a customer service representative with authentic politeness and respect, you are often one of the very *few* from whom they’ve experienced that. That right there separates you from the masses and they actually want to come through for you. Thank you for sharing.
Bob
This is spot on! Attitude is 95% of getting what you want…
Thank you, Liza. Short, simple and right on! 🙂
Very true, Bob. I tend to soak up what I perceive to be a person’s mood immediately when I meet them, and I predetermine the outcome that way. It works alot better if I simply work to make the exchange positive, regardless of what I know will be the outcome. The knowing doesn’t serve us well.
Great point, Dag. Most people do that. And, the great thing is that, since you are aware of it, you are in a position to practice the alternative, more effective way. Way to go!
Positive expectation does work but even in the event you are not successful on one expectation, by approaching it with positive expectation and keeping a positive attitude, you will leave them still feeling great and your attitude will still be up and ready for the next one. Your success percentage will be much greater and you will feel 100% better.
Great point, Joe. Right on, my friend!
Bob, This is essentially what Lincoln practised. He said (paraphrasing) if you want to convince someone of your opinion, you must first convince them that you are their sincere friend. Therein is the great high road to there reason… He practised this almost universally.
Fritz, absolutely. Our 16th President was one of the best ever in terms of practicing and effectively utilizing great people skills. And, as a professional actor who portrays Lincoln, you know this better than anyone!
Absolutely true, Bob. Life is a mirror. It reflects back to you what you show it.
Robin, so very true!
Bob – thanks for reminding us of how important both our attitude and how we deliver our message can make a difference not only in the potential outcome of an interaction, but I think more importantly, in how we feel about ourselves. Acting in a manner of respect and in a positive framework are good for the soul – and if the secondary response provides a positive outcome, even better. But at least you’ll walk away knowing you handled the situation with integrity, respect and kindness.
Thank you, Lisa. Great comments. And, the cool thing is, the better your focus on the first part (attitude), the greater the chances are that the second part (intended results) will happen, as well. I appreciate you sharing, Lisa!
Thanks for a great reminder! I agree that when I “own” my part of the problem ( if only “I’m not sure I understand what happened….”) and ask for help, people can really shine!
I’d like to use this “Positive Expectation” in our monthly customer service meeting this week. Always trying to improve our guest satisfaction ratings and provide the best service we can! Thanks, Bob!
Andrea, thank you!
Robin, I would consider it a great honor if you did so. Thank you!
“Sure, because you are setting the Matrix of a battle!” hahaa You and your gift with words, Bob! I LOVE this post, and I always feel sorry for people who go through life on lock and load. Man, people are not the enemy!
-and yes, go ahead and quote yourself. Lots of us quote you all the time anyway.
Gina, that was very, very sweet of you to say. Then again…that is YOU!!
Hey Bob, LOVE this post! This concept has been an absolute life changer for me…and like several others have shared, the getting what you’re looking for is only a small part of the equation…the sharing positive energy and vibes with people you’re interacting with, and that the personal satisfaction and joy one gets from gifting another human with good vibes, is really the rewarding part. Few things in this world feel as good as genuine giving to another, and one of the opportunities we have in everyday life for this is to simply give kindness, joy, and thoughtfulness to those we bump into throughout our day. Its truly a gift to self…and the the amazing thing is that not only do we get to enjoy this gift ourselves, but the folks we’re dealing/sharing it with get all caught up in feeling good and enjoying the exchange, and next thing you know, they’re seeing to it that you’re very well taken care of. One of the most important things I learned many years ago from Herb Cohen’s book “you can negotiate anything”, was that when people genuinely like you, they want to help you…kind of a simple truth, but I think this exactly what your post is saying. A long with the fact that its up to US to create that dynamic, rather than simply react to what is offered. As always, thank you so much for the fantastic insights Bob!!
Sean, thank you. I love your comments! I agree with everything you wrote, including your summation of Herb’s thought on likability and that it’s up to us as opposed to hoping the other person will take it upon themselves. And, I’m also a big Herb Cohen fan; I love his books and teaching. Thank you for sharing, Sean!
Bob, This also applies when we are facing something like a health issue. It’s been almost 24 years for me since I was diagnosed with colorectal cancer. Some doctors can be very matter of fact and go based on medical tests and levels but I realized early on that I had to be a fighter and go with the attitude that I would get past and learn to overcome obstacles. That’s why I’ve started my ministry because I wanted to help others develop the fight and strength it takes to live abundantly despite limitations life throws our way. Thanks for this article and important lesson that our attitude is essential! Dee Dee http://chatwithdeedee.wordpress.com/
Dee Dee, thank you for your note. You are a shining example for us all, my friend. Thank you for all you are and for all you are doing.
{Note from Bob: to learn more about Dee Dee’s work, visit http://chatwithdeedee.wordpress.com/}
Bob, Thank you so much for your kind words. I do my best with the Lord’s help to encourage and motivate others to help them during their cancer treatments/surgery and learn how to live abundantly after despite limitations. God has blessed me and it’s been blessing to start my ministry and I look forward to new adventures in the next year. Thanks again for all you do and keep up the great work! ~Dee Dee