So often in these articles we talk about giving before receiving, and that is certainly a very important aspect of helping a person to feel comfortable with you, and want to do for you. Whether in social relationships or sales, being the first to reach out is an extremely effective human relations strategy, as well as just a generally nice way to be.
But, there’s also a “reversal” to this. We learn from one of America’s more well-known founders, Benjamin Franklin, how taking the opposite approach can have excellent results as well.
In his book, Autobiography of Benjamin Franklin and Other Writings, the inventor, statesman, and diplomat tells of an incident with a man who opposed his being re-chosen as Clerk of the General Assembly of the Pennsylvania House.
Although he did manage to keep the office, Ben knew that this person, whom he described as “a gentleman of fortune and education with talents that were likely to give him, in time, great influence in the House,” could be trouble later on. He aimed to insure that didn’t happen by “making, of an enemy, a friend.”
Let’s let Ben tell us how he did it:
“I did not, however, aim at gaining his favour by paying any servile respect to him, but after some time took this other method. Having heard that he had in his library a certain very scarce and curious book, I wrote a note to him expressing my desire of perusing that book and requesting he would do me the favour of lending it to me for a few days.
“He sent it immediately – and I returned it in about a week with another note expressing strongly my sense of the favour. When we next met in the House, he spoke to me (which he had never done before), and with great civility. And he ever afterward manifested a readiness to serve me on all occasions, so that we became great friends, and our friendship continued to his death.
”This is another instance of the truth of an old maxim I had learned, which says, ‘He that has once done you a kindness will be more ready to do you another than he whom you yourself have obliged.’ And it shows how much more profitable it is prudently to remove, than to resent, return, and continue inimical proceedings.”
Understand that both ways work (giving first and receiving first); it’s just a matter of judging the method that will work best depending upon both the situation and the other person involved.
Either way, what Ben said in his final sentence makes a whole lot of sense. To paraphrase: “We’re better off making a friend than keeping an enemy.”
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Hi Dear Bob,
My Grandmother always taught me to make friends out of my enemies. And sometimes, I was extremely successful with it and at other times, I wasn’t and felt drained with the process.
There was a WWI article that you wrote in the past that mentioned something about people who like you just because they do, people that can begin to like you in time, and others that will not like you no matter what.
In a sense, I spent a lot of time trying to win over people who were not going to like me no matter what.
I can remember one situation, though, where a person, a Cheerleader at a new school I was beginning to attend, who found out I was a Cheerleader at the school I had just left. Jealousy reared its ugly head, and I could never get on her good side. And decided to cultivate friendships that were easier to cultivate.
Years later, after she decided to go to back to college to become a Registered Nurse and graduated from that program, she asked me for a recommendation. At first, I thought, “How dare she ask?”
But I got out of Self and recommended her and she became a friend.
Later, when she wanted to get her Master’s in nursing, I was taking the same college course she was taking.
She missed the first class and was totally lost (and I would have been lost, too, in the intensity of that classroom if I had missed the first class). She asked me to tutor her. And I did. What’s more, she recommended that I tutor another nurse from the same program, and I made another friend in the process.
For me, I know I may not always be able to turn an enemy into a friend, but I can always remain open to the possibility even years down the road.
Thank you for giving me the opportunity to comment,
Pamela
Wow – Pamela, you are an inspiration, my friend. As you said, the biggest battle was with Self, not with the other person, and you won that battle. In doing so, you not only turned one enemy into a friend, but put yourself in a make a lot of new friends and associates. Now, some people reading your comment will wonder, “was that other person totally brainless and unaware of what she had done and what she was now asking?” And, I’d bet that, actually…the answer is yes.
The point is that other people aren’t like us, they are like themselves. And, everything they do is based on their own pesonal belief system about life and how it works. This took me a long time to learn but, once I did, I was able to not take other people’s “idiocy” (meaning, things that I didn’t understand because it wasn’t according to ‘my’ belief system) personally.
An excellent book on this topic and one I highly recommend is “The Four Agreements” by Don Miguel Ruiz.
Of course, none of this means we should allow ourselves to be pushed around or taken advantage of just because another person believes that’s okay. Not at all. It just means that if we can operate our of a conscious awareness that people act according to their own beliefs and codes, then we stay in a position of strength and “Self”-control.
Thank you again, Pamela!
Wow, Thank you pamela for your comments and Thank you Bob for the post and your response to Pamela. I appreciate the reminder about keeping in mind that other people have their own belief system where everything make sense as far as their actions are concerned.
Although I am still striving to fully integrate this, it has been helping me come to term with the fact that I don’t always have to ask “why” for it seems to me that it is our perception of the “why” behind the action or the lack of it that generates feelings of hurt. I am beginning to live in peace with the idea that “there are things I’ll never understand and it’s ok”. (and I have to resist the urge to add “but why” :))
As I was reading, I found that one difficulty in winning people by either giving or getting, is the ability to find a truly valuable thing, from the point of view of the other person, to either give or get. I mean, I find that nowadays we take some much for granted and we are also used to be offered freebies.
And when you are trying to win an enemy over, how do you find out what is so valuable to him that he would want to either receive from you (and don’t feel you are trying to buy him) or will feel honoured to have helped you with (and not feel like you are just someone else who always want something from them)?
Thank you, Bob!
I’ve read “The Four Agreements” by Don Miguel Ruiz.
Excellent book!
It’s been awhile since I read it and this is a great reminder to read it again.
Pamela
It makes me wonder how and if this can work in today’s literal battlefield!
Hi Therese, thank you for your comment. Yes, it absolutely works in today’s times; I can tell you that from personal experience as well as feedback from those who take my courses and utilize it, as well. Regarding the how, just follow Ben’s advice within the context of your unique situation.
Beautiful day at the beach, what made it an extradodinary day was that I reread The Go-Giver again. Bob, thank you so much for dedicating your life to providing so much value to others. These philosophies are timeless and ageless! Love it when you pull material from such great people like you did with Benjamin Franklin. Give us more, more, more……please!
Thank you, Craig. That is very kind of you to say. Very appreciated!! I’m so glad you enjoyed The Go-Giver and found it to be of value!!