16th U.S. President Abraham Lincoln was one of the best when it came to Winning Without Intimidation. He knew how to make friends out of enemies, and keep conflict to a minimum. The following story is an excellent example:
“…{On one occasion}, when another official sharply criticized Lincoln’s judgment, the president responded to a reporter’s interrogation by saying he had great respect for the other man, and if this official had concerns about him, there must be some truth to it. Such discretion disarmed divisiveness that was intended to draw Lincoln into side-skirmishes, it won the hearts of his friends and foes and it allowed Lincoln to maintain focus on more important issues.”
What Lincoln did was to utilize the tactic of “deflection.” This means to softly “parry” a strong challenge or accusation, deflecting it into another direction where it is now harmless. Allow me to explain by way of a boxing analogy.
If you watch a boxing match you’ll notice that when one fighter throws a jab (a straight punch, usually with the left hand) the intended target will, very coolly, simply wait until the punch almost hits him. He’ll then just parry it away with his right hand by using only a very slight flick of the wrist. The “rub” is that, the harder the punch is thrown, the less effort it takes to deflect it into a harmless result.
This is what Lincoln did, and what you can do, as well.
When someone says something to you, or about you, don’t fight it, battle it, or try and stop it. It won’t work. In fact, it typically will have only the opposite effect of drawing you more heavily into the confrontation and providing fodder for the conflict. Instead, do what Lincoln did. Compliment the offender and leave him and his comment without power to hurt you. You can do this one of two ways:
#1 If you’re told what someone said about you then, like Lincoln, express your admiration for that person and suggest that, “If Pat said it, it’s something I should at least look into.” This parry, or deflection, will totally disarm the person who just related Pat’s words. He or she cannot argue with you, because you did not argue with them. They can’t debate the point, because you’ve politely refused to debate. And (perhaps, most importantly), they cannot quote your “defensive” response to anyone else, including Pat, because you did not respond defensively.
#2 If something is being told to you that is meant to be offensive or disruptive, directly acknowledge to the person that he/she may just have a point and it’s something you need to consider. If that’s not appropriate, simply thank them for bringing it up. You can then decide whether or not a further response or explanation is necessary. An excellent parry, or deflection, is to simply say, “That’s a good question” or “You make a valid point.”
Please understand and keep in mind. I’m not saying not to answer and/or stick up for yourself. Taking a definite position might be very necessary. What the deflection does, however, is keep it impersonal. It allows for positive detachment so that the answer can be of best service to everyone and not indicative of negative personal feelings.
Here are three practice exercises you can do over the next week to strengthen yourself in this area:
#1 Practice deflection via parrying every time you are confronted, regardless of the lightness or seriousness of the confrontation.
#2 Watch other people during their conflicts and observe how they handle a “left jab.” Do they deflect it with a classy parry, or do they get caught up in trying to “stop” the verbal punch?
#3 Watch interviews on television and observe the dynamic. Note the ones who seem most efficient in the art of deflection, and determine to model them in future similar situations of your own.
When you become really good at doing this, you’ll find it to be one of the most self-empowering (not to mention, fun!) aspects of your interpersonal communications.
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Thanks for the great communication technique. The difficulty for most, me included, is that the defensiveness is so natural and scripted we only catch ourselves after we’ve begun to fight back. The key then becomes communicating from a balanced self-assured center of core beliefs, or at least catching your tong before it wags.
I was just racking my brain about how to “win without intimidation” with a person who seems to have a negative comment about every idea. I plan to practice this technique TODAY! I will let you know how it goes.
Hi Jason,
Excellent point. And, you reminded me of something I should have included as the first of the four practice exercises, and that is “rehearsing, in your mind, before the situation ever happens. Like an astronaut who runs through hundreds of simulated missions before he or she ever actually takes off into space, a great idea is to practice how you “will” respond to challenge . . . before it actually happens. This will help you become so prepared that – when you need to utilize the thoughts in this article, you’ll already be conscious of it. Thank you, my friend!!
Note from Bob: Check out Jason’s excellent blog at http://givingexperiment.wordpress.com/
thanks for this one.. very informative and helpful..
just what i need..
Hi Jessica Angie, thank you for your feedback.
Dayna, that’s awesome. Practice first. Play out the potential situation in your mind so that – when it happens – you’ll be prepared and ready. The best way to “change” someone else is to first change the way “you” deal with that person. Good for you – I’m proud of you!!
Anyone watched “8 Mile” (2002)with Enimem? What Bob is saying is somewhat similar to what Jimmy “White Rabbit” did at the last MC match with Papa Doc. Watch it on Youtube in the last MC match.
Bob,
This is sage advise. Along with that is the fact that we always get back what we put out. If we get in the trenches with these people and start to dish it back, we set up a negative flow that will return to us even though we didn’t start it.
Keep up the great work!
John Clark
Thanks, Nick; I appreciate your suggestion. Will have to catch that on YouTube.
Thanks, John . . . Yes, we do tend to get back what we put out, don’t we? One reason is that the person plays off the “matrix” we are setting, and it’s always up to us to set that matrix. Otherwise, we’re leaving things to chance. What you said is right on; do everything you can not to get “down and dirty” and in the trneches; you’ll only be playing the very game they want you to play
Great post, Bob, thanks! In addition to all you so beautifully wrote, there are times when the person challenging is actually right and we really do need to check out what they say. Sometimes they are not right but their feelings are on the line and our sensitivity is so important. (Which is why I love what you teach–for the most part I think people want to be and do good.) Jason’s comment is spot on too. I’m practicing… this is a life long process, isn’t it? 🙂 Thanks for the great coaching!
Thank you, Laya. You’re absolutely right. While the post itself was intented to show how to “parry” away the annoying comments and challenges that are obviously false, you are, without question, correct that we also need to realize that sometimes we are wrong and the other is right! And, yes, for some of us (especially me) staying conscious of the fact that we could be wrong is a lifelong learning process. Thank you for your insightful comment.
Note from Bob: Check out Laya’s excellent book for teens, “You Don’t Have to Learn Everything The Hard Way” at http://www.AuntLaya.com.
Bob, I really like this post. I was going to reply privately, but then figured this was better. I need ideas like this. Thank-you. I have no idea how I originally found you, but I am so thankful.
Bob, this is a great post that I have looked at for use with my clients and my family. Call it, “Personal and Professional Parry.”
Alice and Tom, thank you, my friends. I appreciate your kind words.
Excellent advice, Bob. I once heard this technique described as “Take your sails out of their wind.” I completely agree that this is a skill that requires practice. ADVANCE practice, as you and Jason discussed. The knee-jerk defensiveness happens, I think, because we feel as if criticism lessens our personal value. I find it so important to remember that nothing anyone thinks or says about me has any bearing on who I am as a person. Each of us is an immensely valuable being, and nothing can take away from that. In that context, we can afford to be open to whatever comes.
Heather, thank you for your kind and thoughtful feedback!
I should have read this earlier today….Yikes!
Bob, is this similar to performing “pattern interruption?”
Thanks,
g
Hi Geneva, It sure would be a pattern interrupt!
Awesome reminder Bob. If I feel I’m going into a situation where there could be criticism (a seemingly tough sales call, audience…etc) I will often take a moment ahead of time and meditate this saying “I am curious and cautious if others criticize me.”
Works everytime for me because of the outcomes that I experience.
Great idea, Rich! Thank you!
Don’t you love it when posts are so timely that you feel like the guy on the V-8 commercials? That was this post for me today, Bob.
I am taking your advice and “rehearsing” the scenario for the next time I am in this situation…with the same person. It is easy to fall into a fleshly response, but I know I am called to be “Not Of This World.” Your post is just what I needed today!
Thank you for the V-8 moment. Looking forward to 4/14 – WOOHOO!!!
Denai, that is very kind of you. I’m glad you found the post to be both timely and of value. Yes, I generally find that, like an astronaut simulating a flight mission before the flight, rehearsing a potential situation in advance allows us to be in that place of “response” rather than “reaction” when it does eventually happen. Good luck with this, Denai. Please check back and keep us updated.
Great post Bob! I really enjoy and look forward to your thought provoking posts. I have been trying to improve my communication skills and have found that my self image is a major factor in how I respond to someone. If I feel attacked in an area where I don’t think much of myself, I tend to get defensive and sometimes even confrontational very quickly. When I am criticized in an area where I have high self esteem, I don’t tend to react as much as respond. To that end, I have been really working on building up how I see myself, accepting me for who I am and monitoring my self talk.
What you have done with this post is to give me a really great way to respond to a situation that maintains everyone’s respect and not let their negativity in.
Thanks!
Thank you, Rick. I appreciate your very kind and complimentary words. And, yes, I think that – with most of us – our self-image plays a big part in how we respond. To the degree we feel confident, that’s the degree to which we are less inclined to feel the need to defend (be “defense”-ive). Thank you so much for sharing that very thought-provoking and wisdom-filled comment. May I use it in a future blog post (and credit you, of course)?
Bob, I would be honored.
Thank you, Rick. I’m sure you’ll see it as a post soon!
Bob,
Very good post. I always tell people not to defend or explain from that emotional place of being attached. Your post gives good examples of how to go about doing that with some practical steps to take to learn this. I very much appreciate that is because I am all about giving people practical advice they can use now, immediately to improve their life for measurable positive results.
Thank you again for this post.
Kathy
LOL
I meant attacked, not attached. Attached personally could work also though. 🙂
Hi Kathy, thank you for your kind feedback about the post. And, you’re right; “attached” would work just as well as “attacked” LOL
I LOVE this!!
I am an avoidance person rather than just taking on these kinds of people; I avoid them.
I’m a peacemaker, maybe even to the point of being a bit of a doormat. When there are those who seem to enjoy contention it is not something I even entertain – I am outta there – gone.
“Games people play” is not something I understand. The devils’ advocate players. I am not dumb, I just do not get it.
I DO love a quick wit and am easily entertained & impressed by those who posses it. I’m just not one of them.
This will take practice, for me, I can tell!! This is a “Print, read, re-read, digest and practice” piece!! Powerful. Great advice. Thanks so-o, much.
Thank you, Sandi. I’m really glad you found this to be helpful. What I’d love for it to do is make it so that you are comfortable enough with these kinds of situations from now on, that you know you’ve handled it effectively (and tactfully) and *without* feeling as though you were a doormat (nothing good about being anyone’s doormat) :-). Yes, it’s something that takes some practice; more the practice of keeping it in mind. And, it’s worth it. One thing you can do which is very helpful, is to rehearse in advance situations that could come up where the Parry would be useful. Like an astronaut simulating a mission hundreds of times before it really happening, when it finally does (if it does) you’ll “already have been there” in your mind. I’m rooting for you. Please let us know how things go!
I am a bit late coming to this post but I have to agree with all the other postings. I like the simplicity of the technique, basically it has only the one action (so I should be able to remember that) but still allows a range of follow ups but with a changed emphasis. You can agree with it or negate it and then channel it into something less intimidating and much more constructive. Thanks Bob.
David, thank you for your encouraging feedback. So glad you enjoyed the post!